So I went to see Breaking Dawn.
I know. I KNOW, ok? I was looking to laugh at something that wasn’t the price of coutil, and I was curious about the vampire c-section, and… I don’t have an excuse.
ANYWAY. I saw this movie. It was a thing, and it happened. And I was a little disappointed in…well, the…and…well, I can’t really say I was disappointed, per se, because “disappointed” implies a level of expectancy that I just didn’t have going in. Better to say I was…well, I made this face a lot:
I went with friends, laughed a lot, got shushed two different times by two different people, and ate so much popcorn I was disgustingly ill, so it wasn’t a total loss. That being said, I was disappointed in two things: 1) the light grey v-neck t-shirt someone had Robert Pattinson wear, which fit poorly and completely washed him out; and 2) Bella’s wedding dress. I couldn’t find pictures of the former, but I honestly didn’t look very hard, because it was just really unfortunate. You can put me in the camp of people who find RPattz wildly attractive, and it pains me when wildly attractive men make unfortunate t-shirt choices.
Anyway, though, Bella’s wedding dress. Carolina Herrera designed it. I didn’t know who the fuck that was until I Googled her, but my hunch was correct, and she is, in fact, a fashion designer. A famous one. As such, and given that this is probably the most anticipated wedding dress since that event last April, one might think that she would come up with something reasonably fabulous, right?
Let’s go through the reveal the way the movie does. First it shows us Bella’s hair and makeup, which are super boring, so we’ll skip those. Then we see the back and sleeve details:
Not bad so far right? I love the lace appliques and the buttons, and the sheer cutout in the back is super smoking without looking like something that’s going to give Great Uncle Paul cause for an awkward erection, not that he doesn’t get those on his own, but you know what I mean. Her engagement ring is a giant mess, but I like that she’s wearing it on the opposite hand from her wedding ring. Because I do that, and I like Hollywood to validate my choices.
Sadly, then we get to the front of the dress, and All That Changes.
I don’t know where to start. The weird diamond pattern centered on the tips of her breasts like some sort of wearable backgammon board? The fabric? Or just the fact that it makes her look like a stick? Congratulations, designer. You have managed to make Bella’s breasts look even smaller. As a member in good standing of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, may I commend you on your chutzpah? I mean, most designers would be looking to give Skinny Like A Twig Kristen Stewart some curves, but not you! No, you decided to emphasize the fact that she is, in fact, skinny like a twig. I guess that’s what comes of working in high fashion, where the ridiculous body standards require models to subsist on water and an occasional cube of cheese.
And let’s talk about your fabric choices. What…why. What. Listen, I like satin as much as the next girl, but this fabric? It is not what you want. No, it’s not. It’s too shiny, it’s too light, the drape is all wrong, and it looks fucking cheap, and what is this I can’t even.
AND! And and and! White tie, which is what I assume Mr. Edward is wearing here although I can’t find a good picture to check, is correct only at the most formal evening weddings, which do NOT take place outside in the late afternoon, but rather take place in very formal surroundings, which the Cullens’ backyard is not, no matter how many trees they chopped down to decorate the aisle or whatever, and only after dark. And if I’m a woman in my late 20s and know this, Edward, who is approx. 100 years old** and presumably either wore white tie or saw gentlemen in white tie in his lifetime, should very well know it too.
Movie, I am disappoint. I want you to try again***.