Arr, mateys! The 10th annual International Talk Like A Pirate Day be here! Grab yer cutlass and WTF I am not going to keep doing this.
I kind of love pirates. A few years ago, you may recall, pirates got SUPER DUPER popular when this one movie came out and apparently made a lot of people really rich and famous? I’m not good with numbers. Anyway, for a long time you couldn’t turn around without bumping into some dude who was wearing an eyepatch and babbling about your booty. I had a minor fit of hipster pique and stopped doing the pirate thing for a while, but since Steampunk has pretty much replaced piracy as the Everpresent Pop Culture Item Of The Moment, I’ve come back to the fold. So. In a transparent quest for page views, let’s look at pictures of movie pirates!
I would like to start with my favorite pirate movie of all time: Cutthroat Island. I first saw it when I was a wee lass of late elementary school age, and was immediately and forever thereafter captivated, and if you say anything bad about it I will end you. It stars the magnificent Geena Davis as Morgan Adams, pirate captain and general badass. Also appearing: Francis from Malcolm in the Middle (upon whom I had a HUGE crush) and that dude who was the jerky cop in The Dark Knight Rises.
Geena Davis has a bunch of fun costumes:
There are also Redcoats!
They’re not pirates, but Morgan’s crew are. Or should that be “arrrr!”? (…I’m sorry.)
This movie didn’t do super well, but I love the shit out of it. I mean. How can any right-thinking individual not love a movie that includes this scene?
RIGHT. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I saw Hook in theatres, and I am not ashamed to admit that it scared the ever-living crap out of me. I was too young to appreciate Dustin Hoffman’s magnificent Captain Hook–
I know, I know, I’m sorry. I was eight.
You are creepy, sir.
Anyway, this movie is magnificent. It’s cheesy and campy and by the time Hoffman is done there are no sets left because he’s chewed them all to pieces, and the music is great and the colors are great and even Julia Roberts isn’t so bad, though she was miscast. The first time Peter goes flying, it’s like the whole world opening up. It’s got baseball, and Captain Hook’s BooBoo Box(TM), and that little tiny child sings a lullaby and everybody cries!
Unlike the rest of these movies, the pirates aren’t the best thing. Not by a long shot. Though they are no doubt awesome, that honor belongs to the Lost Boys:
They’re not pirates, OBVIOUSLY, and maybe shouldn’t be in a post about pirates I guess, but shut up this is my blog. Obviously they are all delightful, but the best Lost Boy BY far is Rufio.
OMG WHAT. WHY WOULD YOU. HOW DID–WHAT IS THIS I CAN’T EVEN.
Ok, so creepy leg tattoos I found on the internet aside, Rufio is pretty badass:
Until he dies.
Captain Hook, though, doesn’t give a fuck.
Incidentally, there is a prequel novel called Captain Hook: The Adventures of a Notorious Youth, in which young Jas Hook attends Eton and has yellow blood for some reason? I enjoy the shit out of it.
Pirates of the Caribbean
The first movie was great, the second was crap, the third went well over the Event Horizon of shittiness, and I have no interest in the fourth (fifth, sixth, tenth) because seriously Johnny Depp stop it. But. The costumes are pretty swank.
I could post pictures of this all day, were it not for my rising irritation as I recall how much I hated the sequels. So let’s move on.
Pirates of the Great Salt Lake
Have you seen this movie? You ought to. It’s got an excellent mix of humor and poignancy, and it’s just. I can’t do it justice. Go rent it or stream it or whatever you kids do.
Other Piraty Personas
Pirates, because they are sneaky bastards, wind up in nearly every movie ever:
There’s also the Pirates Who Don’t do Anything:
And, of course, the Dread Pirate Roberts:
Muppet Treasure Island
Finally, stone biscuit productions are please to remind you of the greatest Muppet movie ever, the greatest pirate movie ever, and maybe even the greatest movie ever: Muppet Treasure Island.
Among the cast are Kermit as Captain Smollett and Miss Piggy as Benjamina Gunn:
Fozzy as Young Squire Trelawney, Squire Trelawney’s rich half-wit son, and Gonzo as Gonzo:
Sam the Eagle as Mr. Arrow, who used to get us out of bed before dawn every morning for a good flossing:
Billy Connolly stealing all the shows as Billy Bones:
And, of course, the incomparable Tim Curry as Long John Silver, being so awesome everybody winds up going blind.
The magnificent opening, Shiver my Timbers, which is one of the best uses of sea shanties in modern cinema:
Sailing for Adventure:
Pirate Roll Call:
And Professional Pirate:
The Gryffindor Pirate wishes all of you a happy Talk Like A Pirate Day. Don’t forget to go get your free donuts.