Liveblogging the two most recent episodes of this show was full of hardship and despair. While the pilot remains free from various trustworthy sources including Hulu, one must needs pay cash money to access further episodes. I wrestled with my carefully crafted self-image for quite a long time before I finally signed up for a free seven day trial of Hulu Plus, which should get me through episodes two AND three, at which point I will have to seriously re-examine my priorities. EDIT BEFORE FINALLY POSTING: I failed to re-examine my priorities in time and instead am now paying for Hulu Plus. So….I am paying for this show. Somewhere in my life I made a wrong choice.
In addition to all this, mr. biscuit recently came home with the new Tomb Raider game. So while you read this post, remember that while I could have been following the adventures of Lara “Fuck You I’m Awesome” Croft, I was watching Reign.
I have come to the (SOMEWHAT TARDY) conclusion that this show, while bearing the names of several historical persons, is actually a fantasy series, and knowledge of history is not going to help you have any idea who these people are. Therefore, allow me to present you the CAST OF CHARACTERS!
THE LOVE TRIANGLE: Mary, Francis, and Bash
Mary – Mary, Queen of Scots (center). In danger of becoming a Mary Sue. Unconcerned with court protocol, personal safety, or hair brushes, Mary Keeps it Real
Francis – (right) Mary’s fiance and childhood friend, the “Future King of France,” which we take to mean “the Dauphin.” He lives in a tragic and perpetual state of Five O’Clock Shadow, and has been prophesied to die because of Mary
Bash – (left) Francis’ bastard older brother, Sebastian, who did not exist in history, he also Keeps it Real, and sometimes appears to be wearing too much makeup, perhaps in an attempt to hide that he is too old for this role. The ad campaigns keep trying to set up a love triangle between Bash, Francis, and Mary, but so far this has not been delivered.
Mary’s Attendants: In life, they were all named Mary. In the show, they are called Lola, Kenna, Aylee, and Greer. Here, we call them, in no particular order, Brunette Hippy (bottom right), Blonde Hippy (bottom left), Blonde Vampire (top right), and Anna Popplewell (top left).
They all shop at high-end bohemian boutiques, sit in the presence of royalty, and have been mostly interchangeable save the following characteristics/”subplots”:
Brunette Hippy – masturbates in hallways with help from the King of France (this is a correction: last time I mistakenly identified this character as Blonde Vampire. My bad)
Blonde Hippy – has the ugliest hairstyles
Blonde Vampire – looks a little like Rosalie from Twilight
Anna Popplewell – once was a Queen in Narnia and is therefore always a queen in Narnia. Her boyfriend, Colin, tried to rape Mary, got caught, got executed, and now everyone feels sorry for him because Rape Culture is not just for breakfast anymore
THE CONSPIRATORS: Catherine de Medici and Nostradamus
Nostradamus (left) – inexplicably appearing as confident and bestest frenemie to Catherine de Medici, he seems to serve the same function to the story as Latrine did in Robin Hood Men in Tights. He has only one outfit and his hair is very oily
The King in the North – they say he’s Henri I the King of France, but whatever, that man is a Stark
Elizabeth I – She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
There is also Mary’s hideous dog, named either Starling or Sterling, I could not tell and did not care to look it up
And that’s that! Let’s move on to The Recap, shall we?
EPISODE TWO – Snakes in the Garden (this is not a sex thing)
The Introductory Voiceover happens, read by a man who cannot believe he is reading this shit. Actual things that are said in the Voiceover: “There are forces that conspire. Forces of darkness, forces of the heart. Long may she reign.” OMINOUS. And also, what?
Then the previouslies happen, reminding us of such scenes as That Time When Feathers Fell From the Ceiling, That Time A Bunch of People Expositioned At Us, and That Time when Colin Was Executed, Because Fuck Colin, He Is An Attempted Rapist.
The episode proper begins with someone being tortured. OMG, it’s Colin! They didn’t kill him! He’s being racked! That’s what you get for being a common rapist, as opposed to a noble rapist, I guess. It occurs to me, as I watch this, that Colin looks a little like a poor man’s Peeta. The torturer, who is also too old for this shit, says “you’re done for now, boy,” and ambles off before any of Colin’s joints have ruptured or anything. Cheap. Colin lays there and is unconscious for about three seconds, until surprise! someone unties him. “Wake up!” the person hisses, sounding kind of suspiciously like Mary. I think this is unintentional. Colin doesn’t wake up despite two gentle pokes, so the person, I shit you not, heats up an iron poker in the fire and burns him with it, I suppose because he hasn’t been tortured enough. Colin wakes up and immediately starts yelling “Why did you free me?!” which seems inadvisable given that he is escaping from prison. Realzing his rescuer is gone, he sort of ambles off towards what is presumably his freedom.
Daylight, Castle Interior. Anna Popplwell is asleep in Mary’s bed, presumably having cried herself to sleep upon realizing that her boyfriend was a rapist and also executed. The other ladies in waiting show up and they and Mary have a parade of QuasiHistorical Undergarments. They wander down to breakfast still in their underwear, because sure, why not? Dialogue that Mary says:
- “I feel for Colin,” and I know I keep harping on this rape thing, but seriously, Mary, get your shit together.
- “England wants my country and my crown.” OMG, JUST LIKE THEY SAID IN THE VOICEOVER!
While she is saying this, her ladies look appropriately concerned. Which is to say, bored. We are of one spirit in this, ladies. There is a shot of Blonde Vampire holding an apple! HAH!
Catherine de Medici and the King in the North throw shade at each other about their marriage, poorly disguised as a chat about the marriage of their youngest son (who is excited about getting a giraffe, not so much about his new bride, but he appears to be about 7, so). It is determined that “a dozen well-armed guards” is an appropriate escort for the Dauphin of France, the Queen of Scotland, and another Prince of France to greet said Prince’s new fiance when she arrives in France. Court protocol: how does it work?
“Charlie. You know that Bash isn’t really your brother,” Catherine de Medici says in the midst of all the shade throwing. That’s true, because Bash doesn’t exist. I’m trying to pretend he is one of Mary’s hallucinations, Catherine de Medici, please stop spoiling this.
They all go to the beach, while listening to something very indie and calming. There are only HALF a dozen guards with them! You lied to us, King in the North. Everything is idyllic and lovely, until they notice that the ship on which the little girl is supposed to be arriving is full of soldiers. “Is that a warship?” Mary says. Yes! That’s an English warship! Finally, something exciting is happening. “But England and France are at peace!” Mary says, like this was ever really true in the history of ever. A bunch of dudes advance, and a bunch of French soldiers draw bows in response, and they all look about as intimidating than the worst LARPers you’ve ever been able to imagine. “Have they come for me?” Oh my God, Mary, not everything is about you.
Then Bash shows up and ruins everything by telling them that the armed Englishmen advancing up the beach are friendly, because something something ship taking on water. Damn you, Bash. The handoff transpires, and the little girl is wearing…almost an afetit hat. One of the English ladies is actually kind of half almost historically dressed? The other one looks dreadful. Seriously, her bodice is all wrinkly. Boning: how does it work? Someone put makeup two shades too dark on the little girl. Mary gets to demonstrate how she is Practically Perfect and also Keeps it Real by becoming instant friends with the little girl. The Prince gives his future wife a teeny little POS weed flower he literally just stooped down and picked, and I am delighted to see Bash roll his eyes. Good on you, Bash. I forgive you for ruining everything.
Gird your loins, everybody, it’s time for another ball! This one has no feathers falling from the sky. Things it does have:
- Catherine de Medici and the King in the North talking about the English “visitors,” who are apparently all really great swordsmen
- Nostradamus looking super greasy
- Me questioning whether or not Nostradamus is real or rather if Catherine de Medici is hallucinating him
- The English Ambassador saying to Mary, “How was the porridge at [convent]?”
If they had stopped at THAT this scene would have been really intimidating, but he just kept talking and talking and talking, bashing (hah!) us over the head with “hey! the poison was an English plot!” In case we still don’t get it, the show treats us to a helpful flashback to the bleeding ears nun in the pilot. Still no mention of the Queen of England, I suspect because American audiences have been trained to respond to “Queen Elizabeth” with overwhelmingly positive feelings. This has the unfortunate effect of making me think of a magnificent mix of Cate Blanchett and Judi Dench every time someone says “the throne of England” or “an English plot.”
Then something happens that is confusing to us as well as her: Francis shows up at this point, calls Mary “darling,” and acts all lovey with her, then spirits her away, making it clear that he is doing so for sexytimes. Mary is all like “What” and the audience is all like “What” and he starts going on about how the English are threatening her because they’ve heard that the alliance is not strong. “We’ll prove to them our union is strong,” he says. Mary is all like “uh, it isn’t,” and he basically says they’ll pretend it is until everyone believes it?
We wander down into the dungeon with Catherine de Medici and Nostradamus, who helpfully exposits that when a prisoner is scheduled for execution, the door of his cell is painted with a red X. But French record keeping isn’t the best, and they put the X on the wrong door! “They beheaded the wrong boy” says Catherine, and apparently they kept the beheaded body on a table in the dungeon, because we are looking right at that poor bastard. Oh, and Colin has escaped, but don’t worry, CdM is gonna find him. Find him…and kill him.
Commercial break. Tomb Raider is calling my name.
“Colin’s alive?” Mary says, when the King in the North and Catherine de Medici tell her Colin is still alive. Mary AGAIN insists that she wants to talk to Colin. Anna Popplewell does some nice work behind her, though all the ladies in waiting sitting down in the presence of three (THREE!) monarchs grates on my every nerve. This scene seems superfluous except to point out that the King in the North doesn’t trust his wife. The two of them wander away, and he scolds her for not telling him about Colin’s disappearance. She counters with something about his mistress, but apparently Diane is at the country house. Great. I’m super glad to know that.
The accents in this show are off the chain.
Another ball! This one is outside. I think it’s supposed to be a picnic, but there is a lot of dancing going on, so I’m calling it a ball. “I wish I could be patient,” says Mary, Queen of Scots, the woman who spent most of her life waiting for the right time to assert her claim to the English throne. The child actor playing the little prince of France looks tragically like an actual French royal. “You must feel misled,” says Francis to Mary, which is JUST A LITTLE MUCH from the dude who doesn’t want to marry her but wants everyone else in the world to think he does. Mary apparently thinks so too, because they get into a fight, and then she asks Bash to go looking for Colin. He’s like “ok, sure,” and mentions that he knows the best way out of the dungeons, which makes me go “why do you know that?”
Mary finds the Little Prince hanging around a dark alcove talking to nobody, OK OK a friend, who wants him to play with her and gets jealous when he doesn’t, and goes where she wants to and doesn’t like people and is very clearly a ghost. “This friend. Does she have a name?” Mary asks. The answer is “Carissa.” Or perhaps “Clarissa.” I choose to believe that it’s Clarissa, and the little prince is talking to the Ghost of 90s Era Melissa Joan Hart. It is at this point I realize Mary looks amazing in that dress.
Speaking of dresses–Mary wanders into her room and finds some strange lady trying on her clothes, and as soon as she does, I get a premonition that I hope is not true, but it is! They went there! They used the poisoned dress! Just like in Medea, and at least one movie about Elizabeth I! Rather than wrap her hands in the folds of her own gown and help this poor dying woman take the dress off, Mary runs off screaming for help. Heroic!
A weird short scene happens in which the King in the North asks Brunette Hippy to be his mistress. Then, in another part of France, Bash rides into the forest scene of the pilot, complete with white rose petals on the ground in a blood dripping from the sky. He looks up and seems puzzled. The camera pans back and we see that baove him is a body hanging upside down. THE MURDERER WAS ON THE ROOF OF THE CAR.
“Everybody in this show is a terrible liar,” says a friend of mine who is watching this episode with me. “They’re also terrible at shaving.” And it’s true.
After determining that nobody in the palace saw any dying girls staggering anywhere, or anyone carrying any dying/dead girls around, Mary decides that a) the secret passage was in use, and b) she should go digging around the secret passages by herself. She and the Ghost of 90s Era Melissa Joan Hart play a very short guessing game involving rolling marbles, while Mary asks questions about who is trying to kill her. “Is it the English? Is it Queen Catherine?” YES and YES. The Ghost of 90s Era Melissa Joan Hart runs away, leaving a pile of marbles and a small key.
It’s dark as hell and Bash has only now got around to pulling dead!Colin down from the tree. Francis shows up–UNESCORTED–and they fuss at each other while the dead guy just sort of lays there. Then there’s some rustling in the woods! Fransic is like “whatev, it’s just the guards,” but Bash is like “no it’s not.” Then he cuts his hand with a dagger, bleeds on the ground, and speaks some Old Language, ad the rustling goes away. If we had any doubt that this show is trying to be Game of Thrones, those doubts are gone.
The key that was left to Mary by the Ghost of 90s Era Melissa Joan Hart goes to the English ambassador’s door! He looks like a poor man’s James Purfoy and has the woman who supposedly died by poison dress in his bed (the show helpfully flashes back to this scene. Thank you, show). And then something happens that I cannot forgive:
“There are rumors that your queen is ill, and my cousin Elizabeth is the next in line for the throne.”
Back in the pilot, Magic Exposition Nun said, and I quote, “Someone with ties to the Protestant throne of England no doubt.”
The Protestant throne of England.
THE PROTESTANT THRONE OF ENGLAND.
And if you are trying to tell me that Queen Mary I of England, Mary Tudor, Bloody Mary, the daughter of Catherine of Aragon, the woman who for decades refused to renounce Catholicism despite the threats of her famously bad-tempered father, who fought tooth and nail to revive anti-Protestantism laws, who had executed or exiled hundreds of people under the Heresy Acts, who shared her throne and her bed (er, sometimes) with the King of Spain, was a Protestant? Well, then, show, YOU ARE LYING TO ME.
I HAVE FORGIVEN YOU SO MUCH, REIGN, but THIS IS TOO MUCH.
Unless of course you’ve forgotten about Mary I altogether, and we are talking about Lady Jane Grey.
Also, Mary says very clearly that she doesn’t want the English throne. Ok, Mary. Sure.
Back in the B-Plot, Brunette Hippy refuses the King in the North’s offer to be his mistress, because she needs to focus on men she could actually wed (fair point), like the unmarried Viscount de Somethingorother over there, and finishes her little speech with “sorry.” The King in the North says “I understand your position completely,” and I’m like ok, sure. Five dollars says that the unmarried Viscount de Somethingorother with will be dead soon.
After a very boring scene between Bash and Francis about the “vagrants in the woods,” and another boring scene between Mary and Francis about how she thinks his mother is “behind it all,” the King in the North and the Viscount show up at Brunette Hippy’s door. I was wrong about the Viscount! The king says “Robert, would you take [Brunette Hippy] as your bride, no questions asked, because it’s a union blessed by your king?” and the Viscount Robert does some sort of face (I am uncertain what he is trying to convey–excitement? disgust? fashion? fame?) and says “As you wish, your majesty.” The King says “Thanks, Robert. That will be all.” The Viscount goes away, and the King in the North informs Brunette Hippy that fucking him “expands your prospects.” And then he kisses her until she literally stumbles! “Think about that, too.” CHARMING.
Francis seems to think that Catherine de Medici doesn’t want him to marry Mary (hah!) because CdM is powerless and has pinned all her hopes on him and doesn’t want to cut the apron strings, or something like that? “I hope to be a good king someday,” he said, which makes us all giggle evil giggles. She, blessedly, is having none of his bullshit. They snot at each other for a while before she leaves, talks to the guard who killed Colin, and goes to bed, where she finds–GASP!–a big red X on her mattress! Some maidservant is getting the axe tonight.
Nostradamus is scrubbing the red X off the door in the dungeon, since I guess prophesying won’t earn his keep, and talking to the Ghost of 90s Era Melissa Joan Hart about how said ghost apparently is the one who put the red X on the wrong door so that Colin would get away. She’s helping Mary, he suggests. And he says that she is “not an angel,” which means they missed a great opportunity to have some Dido in the background.
Again, we end the episode with a boring as shit conversation between Francis and Mary. You guys. I don’t even know how to recap it, because it is SO FUCKING BORING. But then the episode is over, thank God. On to the next!
Episode Three – Kissed (this is a sex thing)
In the voiceover, a really cheap crown falls to to the ground. The Previouslies end with Mary saying “You don’t want to marry me” to Francis. That is true. Maybe. Francis’ motivations are as spotty as this show’s grasp of court protocol.
We open at “The Scottish Border.” An adorable little kid, wearing no shoes, heavily brouges to an armored soldier, “We’ve no quarrel with the English. We’re just farmers, but you’re welcome to share our breakfast.”
“You’re gonna need a lot of eggs,” replies the soldier, and over his shoulder we see maybe 100 English soliers advancing in very wobbly lines. That’s not anything like enough soldiers for an invasion, so I am left to assume all those soldiers are here for that one kid’s eggs, which must be amazing.
We go back to France, where Nostradamus is mixing a potion to help Catherine de Medici sleep, but she can only take a few grains, and not every night. He looks very maternal and happy when he says this. Who knew that Nostradamus missed his calling as a nurse? She, by the way, is dressed in a dark smoky blue gown that makes up for the hideous things they have had her in before, and looks absolutely radiant when she smiles up at him. All of a sudden I want these two to be friends and have wacky adventures. Then he has a Vision!
Some dude gets stabbed, there is a chess game? and a guy falls down and drops his sword. “What do you see?” CdM asks. “War,” he says. “Where?” she asks. “I don’t know. But wherever it is, it will reach in side this castle.” So…we can safely assume the war is maybe in France, or perhaps Scotland, and “it will reach inside this castle” is figurative. WHO KNOWS.
Scene change! Mary and the Ladies are picnicking by a Picturesque Body of Water, giggling and talking about their best kisses…which, since Anna Popplewell’s boyfriend just died and was also a rapist, seems a little bit not insensitive. It is Brunette Hippy’s turn. Who is her best kisser? She is obviously talking about the King in the North, but only we know that. Then she says whatever, she can take care of her own needs. Rock on, Brunette Hippy.
It is now Blonde Vampire’s turn. Blonde Vampire comes from a family of commoners (enormously wealthy commoners), so she “can’t afford even little mistakes,” and has never been kissed, but she WANTS to be kissed by the bastard son of the King of Portugal, who is apparently visiting France. This has B-Plot written all over it, so let’s move on.
Mary’s Uncle is here! He has news that the English are massing on the border. When Mary says “the English,” she sounds ridiculously Scottish. We learn that France has been asked to send troops, but hasn’t done so, and Mary’s Uncle wants to know what happened. He also calls royal marriage “a permanent bond” with a straight face, which makes all of us laugh. He will never appear again in this episode. Also, Mary is wearing her most historicalish gown yet! She stalks off to talk to the King in the North, who offers supplies and weapons and the like, but won’t send troops.
Hulu informs me there are 35 minutes left in this episode. If I can make it, I have promised myself a piece of leftover Halloween candy.
Francis thinks that France should ally with Scotland in this, but his father doesn’t. Francis wants to just wait, because right now the two of them have no power. INCIDENTALLY, no one has yet explained why the Queen of SCotland has no power. Mary says she is tired of waiting, and will go and GET some power! She is nonspecific as to how. After the commercial, we learn she is going to get power by…kicking a ball.
The little prince shows up and asks if he can play with her. She says sure. “Sometimes you just need to kick something.” Diplomacy in action! He then says, “You’re not like other girls,” and I roll my eyes as high as the heavens and stop listening, because I am seriously Not Here For That Shit. Oh no, the ball is stuck in the tree! What is Mary going to do? Mary is Not Like Other Girls. She Keeps It Real. So she climbs up to get the ball.
She throws it down and hits…oh noes, the bastard son of the King of Portugal! His name is Tomas. He is hilarious. He says, after she explains that she was retrieving the prince’s ball, “Really? Because from down here, it looks like Scotland attacked Portugal without provocation.” And then “we may have a diplomatic incident here, your majesty.” Something intentionally hilarious! I LOVE THIS GUY. Then Mary conveniently falls out of the tree. On top of Tomas. Of course. He makes his polite/hilarious apologies and leaves, and she and Blonde Vampire squeal a bit. As soon as he is no longer making jokes, I no longer care.
The next scene appears to be an excuse to get Bash into leather pants.
He is distracted in his mock combat with the King in the North, and the King in the North assumes this is because of a girl. They compare a woman’s breasts to pigeons (?). Francis shows up, inexplicably in the same state of undress as them, because I guess doublets are expensive and take too long to fasten, and starts on about the stupid alliance again. He says that France should help Scotland for France, because Reasons, and that England hasn’t sent its entire army north. Since there were only about 100 soldiers there, I should hope not. The King is like “you make a good point. But I don’t agree, and I’m king, so fuck off.” Then they go to spar, wagering France’s response/lack thereof to the English invasion of Scotland on the outcome. Is this a subtle commentary on politics being a game? I think it is! Francis wins, and is all excited, and asks when France will be sending troops to Scotland. The King in the North goes “yeah, I lied. That’s what Kings do.”
Blonde Vampire is in the kitchens, giving orders for what appears to be the picnic she is taking Tomas on. She is giving those orders to an anachronistically attractive cook. He is also not wearing a doublet. OK, SHOW, ENOUGH. He is staring at her ass the whole time, and looks surprised when she insinuates that he can’t read. Sorry, peasant. We just assumed.
Mary attempts to buy an alliance with Portugal. “Whatever deal you have with France, I’ll do better.” Ok, sure.
Brunette Hippy and the King in the North are kissing in the hallway! He invites her to his bedchamber, and she says “I want to be with you as a woman, completely, but as a girl, I need more time.” His response “Of course. When you’re ready.” What a patient philandering absolute monarch!
MARY IS RIDING ASTRIDE AND I CAN SEE HER KNEES. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS. There are 26 minutes left. Every landscape shot, whether it be in Scotland, France, or whetever else, looks exactly the same. Did they film this shit in Vancouver? Mary and Tomas have a Romantic Montage Ride through the countryside, complete with tinkly piano, that ends up at a church. That Mary can’t see what is going on here is just sad. When he proposes, she is just flabbergasted! “There’s a wildness in you,” he says. “I see your spirit.” Which is to say, your knees, you hussy. She appears to be wearing a coronation robe over her Anthropologie dress. He offers her the help of his army in exchange for her hand in marriage, to which she replies, “I must marry a nation, not a man.” Uh, did you not hear him just offer you an alliance with Portugal? Also, his father is getting the Pope to declare him legit so he can be King of Portugal. So. “Will you?”
Commercial! My prediction: Mary will say no, because she loooooves Francis.
That night in Marys rooms, Blonde Hippy is like “He is totally not going to marry Blonde Vampire,” which is the most sensible thing anyone has said so far. Mary is like “Well, maybe nothing will come of this.” Yeah, like a marriage proposal? That would be super weird. “I asked him to be discreet while I considered the proposal.” This should go well.
Another ball! Mary is now wearing a floor-length tutu made of tulle, and a SORT OF ruff. The King demands Nostradamus tell the fortunes of Mary and her ladies, and the music stops, helpfully. Nostradamus is like “no, I’m not skilled with cards,” but then he does it anyway. He gives each lady one card and one question. Anna Popplewell, of course, asks “will I ever love again?” He says “You’ll meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger,” and the King scoffs that this is a pretty shitty fortune. Nostradamus makes Jon Snow’s “Why Is Everyone So Mean To Me” face and Catherine de Medici looks furious.
And then Nostradamus starts Visioning All Up In This Bitch:
- “The Lion will fight the dragon on the field of poppies”
- To Blonde Vampire: “You will fall in love with a man with a white mark on his face.”
- Blonde Hippy: “You will never go home. That’s all I was given, you know no more than I.”
Mary gets all pissed at him, and accuses him of being a liar. A girl dances past wearing a bedsheet. And then the Bastard Son of the King of Portugal breaks in and says “I’ve commanded the musicians to play music from my country.” AND LO, THEY BEGIN TO DANCE THE ARGENTINIAN TANGO.
As soon as I stop laughing, a bunch of shit happens kind of all at once:
- Blonde Vampire gives Mary a well-justified Shitty Friend Smackdown and goes off, presumably to cry herself to sleep. Then Francis shows up and Mary throws Tomas’ proposal and France’s lack of action in his face. SO THERE, FRANCE
- The King in the North seriously burns Brunette Hippy in public
- Brunette Hippy hangs out with Bash. Their first exchange boils down to “men, right?”
- Francis stalks after the King in the North onto his Pleasure Barge, presumably to fist fight with him
- Tomas promises Mary that he will have Portugese soldiers leave for Scotland the moment she says yes to him
- Blonde Vampire cries all over Attractive Kitchen Peasant
- Frunette Hippy and Bash drink and chat together. I want them to blow off all this nonsense and go have hot sex and eyerolls together.
- Francis threatens to tell the King in the North’s wife and mistress is is sleeping with Brunette Hippy, and he finally agrees to honor the alliance with Scotland! He’s got to send their fastest rider–which is to say, Bash, who, beeteedubs, has been busy getting drunk with Brunette Hippy. “Are you sure you’re OK to ride?” Sure he is! Nothing bad will come of this.
Blonde Vampire and Attractive Kitchen Peasant are laughing and drinking together. Girl. “I have to marry very well,” she says, and he looks like a kicked puppy. Poor woobie. That’s what you get for being a peasant! Then they smooch. GIRL. SORT YOURSELF OUT. At the same time, Francis tells Mary about the military aid. She says “I would rather have hope with you than certainty anywhere else.” Romantic stuff. Put that in your vows, Mary.
The next morning, Mary brings Blonde Vampire “this new Venetian drink,” which is to say, coffee, so that they can be friends again. Blonde Vampire has gotten over Tomas super quick, and she volunteers to go down to the kitchens and pick up breakfast! It’s all very Princess Bride “as you wish.” When she is leaving, Attractive Kitchen Peasant accidentally smears white flour on his face. So…he has a white mark on his face? LIKE NOSTRADAMUS SAID? Oh, girl.
Oh noes! Bash returns on his horse, unconscious. He’s been stabbed! Noo, Bash! We learn that the English rode out from Calais (?!) and slaughtered the French soldiers before they could so much as get to the Channel. Francis is very upset, and clearly so is the King in the North, but he tells him that this sort of thing is risky and kings don’t apologize. We then learn that someone “loyal to the English” rode out from the castle and told them what was going on, but the King isn’t going to tell Francis so that Francis will learn not to trust his heart or something.
Other things that happen in the end of this episode:
- “Calais is in English hands.” Um…
- Nostradamus recognizes Bash’s wound from his vision. Oh no!
- Francis wears a cableknit turtleneck sweater, kisses Mary, and tells her to marry Tomas because “there are no more troops to send.”
- Mary agrees to marry Tomas and he sends off his companies. “The lion will fight the dragon on the field of poppies” turns out to refer to this!
AAAAAND that’s all!
Next time on Reign: a bunch more ridiculous bullshit, and hopefully someone will finally get laid.