My stars and garters, a post about costumes

19 Apr
Ok, universe, be straight with me. Do I have the time and willpower to make a Harlots costume for Dragon Con, in addition to the (*counts*) three new costumes I’ve already committed to making?
 
Here are the facts as we know them:
  • I successfully made this style of bodice before, and still have it and the pattern. While I only liked it OK, I think that alterations would be pretty simple–but it would be easy enough to make a new one, as well
  • I am rapidly becoming obsessed with this show
  • fingerless gloves! masks! feathers!

Here are some further facts:

  • I’ve been back and forth between slightly depressed and really depressed for (*counts*) a hot minute* now
  •  I suggested it three years ago, and we have put it off every year, but mr. biscuit and I are committed to finally making Tauriel and Kili costumes this year, and that’s a lotta sewin’
  • I’m also adding a Post-Apocalyptic She-Hulk costume this year
  • did I mention crippling depression and anxiety conspiring to steal my wherewithal because that is a thing that has been happening
  • last year I couldn’t even pull together a Liz Lemon costume, which would literally have been a TGS hoodie, a pair of pajama pants, and a block of cheese
  • the fuck do I curl my hair like that
  • fuck no I’m not wearing another wig**

But then here are still more facts:

  • She-Hulk is going to be pretty simple and probably not require any sewing, just finding and distressing. Also makeup effects, which I’m probably hiring out anyway
  • I’m also probably hiring out for at least parts of Tauriel’s getup
  • this show is my everything

I do believe I have talked myself out of this plan, which is probably for the best.

My current sewing project hasn’t really gone anywhere in a minute***, at first because of blah blah blah, but then because of yadda yadda yadda, and now because of inertia caused by exhaustion caused by sinking sadness with its roots in my brain being a little bit broken. I got up and walked away from the boning channels in the bodice, and haven’t been back except to pile more shit on my desk. It’s a cycle, this. I’ll get in there soon and I’ll clean it up, and my half of the office will be beautiful and calm again, and then I’ll fill it with thread and dramatic sighing.

Two weekends ago mr. biscuit and I went to Texas to visit the Scarborough Renaissance Festival. I worked there for so long, but aside from driving to and from Texas with me the first two times, he had never visited. I had so many friends he had never met. He had never seen the faire, with the spot I staked out to perform, the pubs I sang at with friends, the shop where I ate my weight in cheese bread. Mnozil Brass was performing in the Dallas area, so we combined two trips into one, and had a long weekend so wonderful it was almost miraculous. I was so happy my face hurt from smiling. Then this Sunday I had to give up and crawl into bed at like 5:00, because I was too sad to keep functioning.

I know some people are so depressed they can’t get out of bed, shower, brush their teeth. I have never manifested it so badly for long, thank goodness, though there have been times I’ve been real close. Right now I’m not drowning, but I’m also not getting anywhere. I’m treading water. Using all my energy to stay afloat. By the time I’m done doing the bare minimum of things I have to–get up, wash self, brush hair, go to work, keep work functioning, drive without driving into a tree, tidy up after self–I have nothing left except blank stares and a growing fear that this is it.

I’m not doing much of anything right now, except work. I read books, I leave the TV on for company and so I don’t have to think of things to say, I sleep. I have time to do things, but when I think about doing things I want to weep with exhaustion and terror. Make a costume? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t even make a sandwich today.

So anyway, I don’t think this was actually a post about costuming. I also don’t think I’m making a Harlots costume for Dragon Con.

*a long time
**I’m already wearing one for Tauriel and another for April O’Neill, why do you hate me and my poor scalp?
***several weeks

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2 Responses to “My stars and garters, a post about costumes”

  1. AnnMCN April 19, 2017 at 10:14 pm #

    I wonder sometimes if I’m depressed and really good at covering it, or just looking at my life with cold practical realism.

    But know that I think you are admirable in many ways.

    • stonebiscuit April 20, 2017 at 12:31 pm #

      An interesting quandary. I tend to think at its heart there’s nothing realistic about depression–like, things are inherently not terrible. Things are pretty good.

      Also thank you. :D

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