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Today’s Horoscopes

30 Jan

Aries – Don’t you wish you’d brought some dinner to work rather than trust your late lunch would carry you through? If only you’d done your horoscope reading earlier in the day, you would have known.

Taurus – Nobody noticed that thing, I promise.

Gemini – Sometimes it’s best to let things go; other times you should keep holding on. Which of these applies to the Scorpio dangling from the roof is a matter for your conscience.

Cancer – Dressing on the side. Trust me.

Leo – YOU’RE THE BEST*

Virgo – The stars say, and I quote, “you have a lot of nerve coming back here after what you pulled.”

Libra – Your immediate future holds dogs, or pretzels, or maybe a shower? Please let your future hold a shower.

Scorpio – Perhaps you should have been kinder to that Gemini.

Sagittarius – Expect rain. (The time will come to rise up against the Leos. Await the signal of the Aries. #firesignwar)

Capricorn – Punch through the walls you’ve built! Break down the barriers in front of you! Do something with your boxes of old textbooks in the office closet!

Aquarius – A ballerina en pointe may look effortless, but is actually working extremely hard. Consider developing your talents in the inverse situation.

Pisces – Keep trying and eventually you may be as cool as an Aries.

All Signs: It’s National Croissant Day. Find an Aries who forgot to bring dinner to work, and then bring her a croissant at work and you’ll have good luck all year!

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Hogwarts Beauty School

29 Jun

Useful spells someone at Hogwarts probably knew but Harry Potter was too busy playing Quidditch/snogging Ginny/staying alive to learn:

  • Avada This Ingrown Hair
  • Wingardium Put Your Contacts In Correctly The First Timeiosa
  • some kind of spell to clean bras, match socks, and prevent expensive tights from ripping, and it would be great if these were all the same because I cannot remember all this shit
  • Accio Falsies (puts fake eyelashes on for you)
  • Fix My Motherfucking Lip Liner, I Look Like A Prostitute Who Caters Exclusively To Clowns (you just say this while waving your wand angrily at the mirror in the car)

Liveblogging Reign

18 Oct

I don’t know why, but I watched the premiere episode of Reign. You know, the show on the CW where the Dauphin of France is running around without pants on and Mary Queen of Scots is wearing sleeveless gowns and sparkly headbands? Yes, that Reign. I watched it. And then I liveblogged it.  For you.

I gave up on the costumes almost immediately, because it was really just dynamiting fish in a barrel and I only have so much outrage in my body. Let’s just talk about the plot, and the acting, and the…the everything. On a scale of One to Ten, I rate it a Hot Mess.

Let’s watch it!

Continue reading

BREAKING: Dork Tower weighs in on cosplay debate…

5 Dec

says basically what I said, but says is with pictures.

Not breaking, but worth repeating: Dork Tower is awesome.

Fabric shopping in the biscuit household

2 Mar

stone biscuit: “I’m ordering my new shoes for faire.”

mr. biscuit: “Ok.”

stone biscuit: “I’m also ordering that fabric I was telling you about.”

mr. biscuit: “Ok.”

[beat]

stone biscuit: “It’s $15 a yard, would three yards be too much?”

mr. biscuit: “Too much financially, or too much fabric?”

stone biscuit: “Financially. There is no such thing as too much fabric.”

mr. biscuit: “When the fabric has no place to live, and has wound up on the floor, and Lamby-toes has made a bed of it, I would argue that there is, in fact, too much fabric.”

stone biscuit: “It has a place to live. It lives on the floor.”

mr. biscuit: [long suffering sigh] “Yes, baby, we can afford three yards.”

[beat]

stone biscuit: “What about four?”

mr. biscuit: “If you were going to make do with two, but you’re getting three–”

stone biscuit: “I KNOW. But it’s SO PRETTY.”

mr. biscuit: “So are you, but I’m not buying bunches of you on the internet.”

stone biscuit: “You would if you could!”

mr. biscuit: “But I can’t, because I don’t have that much money!”

I need a montage.

23 Feb

After a long, terrible week (last week) and a desperately needed vacation, I finally got back around to sewing. As of yesterday. What have I accomplished? Well, I made some lacing strips, and I cut out the pieces of my corset. Then I realized I would have to get boning from the hardware store before I could go any further (…farther?) in the corset-making process, and I have to have the corset done before I work on the bodice or the pants so I can make sure they fit, and rather than whipping up a second shirt, like I should be doing, I decided to order trim and blog while I watch Willow, which is one of my favorite movies and if you say anything negative about it I will eat your heart in the marketplace. Despite the lingering sense of looming deadlines, I’m having a pretty good time procrastinating.

But all this procrastination is making me think. I really am getting close to the wire. Opening weekend is less than six weeks away, and I’d rather not be sewing at two in the morning the night before, ya know? I mean, not again; that gets really old. But I really, really hate sewing, and I have so much to do. If only my life had a montage option, I would get so much more accomplished.

So in lieu of being able to speed up the unpleasant parts of my life, and in the spirit of being on a deadline, let’s stop sewing and watch some montages, bitches!

And naturally, a sewing montage:

Writing poetry is more fun than making corsets

12 Feb

Staring at pattern/for STUPID  FUCKING corset/Shit guys, my head hurts.

Someone tell me, please/because I don’t fucking know/how do I do this?

Help me help me help/I am going to fuck this up/again. Like last time.

There once was a lady from Spain*
Who found corset-making a pain.
Of it she soon tired,
so she set it a-fire,
and never tried sewing again.

*I am not really from Spain, but it’s easier to rhyme than “Georgia”

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