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Not Being Ok

31 Oct

I’ve been in a depression spiral since my last project was finished. I should have expected it–the post-show drop is real, and then my period happened, and that was kind of it. For a while I thought it was just a little bit of a spiral, but, I mean, no, it’s kind of not. I’m trying to work on a post about the joyful success of my return to the stage and the Kickstarter, about how AMAZING it is to be selling CDs, and about how much I love my life, but instead I’ve been spending a lot of time not sleeping, not eating, sabotaging my own health and budget and deadlines, and forgetting to wash my hair or change my clothes or do the dishes.

My goals for today:

  • have a fun Halloween with some of my most beloved friends
  • finish just two items for work
  • go to bed when mr. biscuit does, rather than at 4 in the morning
  • try to be OK with a couple of things:
    • needing some help or some sunshine or some water
    • where I am
    • not being OK

Because I’m not OK right now. I’m not anywhere near OK. That’s hard to admit, but I can feel it in my chest (like it’s full of concrete), my throat (breathing feels like too much work sometimes), my head (foggy), my wrists (they ache), my jaw (clenched).

I painted my nails and blow-dried my freshly-washed hair, and that helps. I ate some vegetables, and that helps. So I’ll achieve the first three of these goals, and that will help with the fourth.

I’m just trying to be OK with not being OK for a bit. It will swing around eventually. It will swing around sooner if I stop beating myself up.

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My stars and garters, a post about costumes

19 Apr
Ok, universe, be straight with me. Do I have the time and willpower to make a Harlots costume for Dragon Con, in addition to the (*counts*) three new costumes I’ve already committed to making?
 
Here are the facts as we know them:
  • I successfully made this style of bodice before, and still have it and the pattern. While I only liked it OK, I think that alterations would be pretty simple–but it would be easy enough to make a new one, as well
  • I am rapidly becoming obsessed with this show
  • fingerless gloves! masks! feathers!

Here are some further facts:

  • I’ve been back and forth between slightly depressed and really depressed for (*counts*) a hot minute* now
  •  I suggested it three years ago, and we have put it off every year, but mr. biscuit and I are committed to finally making Tauriel and Kili costumes this year, and that’s a lotta sewin’
  • I’m also adding a Post-Apocalyptic She-Hulk costume this year
  • did I mention crippling depression and anxiety conspiring to steal my wherewithal because that is a thing that has been happening
  • last year I couldn’t even pull together a Liz Lemon costume, which would literally have been a TGS hoodie, a pair of pajama pants, and a block of cheese
  • the fuck do I curl my hair like that
  • fuck no I’m not wearing another wig**

But then here are still more facts:

  • She-Hulk is going to be pretty simple and probably not require any sewing, just finding and distressing. Also makeup effects, which I’m probably hiring out anyway
  • I’m also probably hiring out for at least parts of Tauriel’s getup
  • this show is my everything

I do believe I have talked myself out of this plan, which is probably for the best.

My current sewing project hasn’t really gone anywhere in a minute***, at first because of blah blah blah, but then because of yadda yadda yadda, and now because of inertia caused by exhaustion caused by sinking sadness with its roots in my brain being a little bit broken. I got up and walked away from the boning channels in the bodice, and haven’t been back except to pile more shit on my desk. It’s a cycle, this. I’ll get in there soon and I’ll clean it up, and my half of the office will be beautiful and calm again, and then I’ll fill it with thread and dramatic sighing.

Two weekends ago mr. biscuit and I went to Texas to visit the Scarborough Renaissance Festival. I worked there for so long, but aside from driving to and from Texas with me the first two times, he had never visited. I had so many friends he had never met. He had never seen the faire, with the spot I staked out to perform, the pubs I sang at with friends, the shop where I ate my weight in cheese bread. Mnozil Brass was performing in the Dallas area, so we combined two trips into one, and had a long weekend so wonderful it was almost miraculous. I was so happy my face hurt from smiling. Then this Sunday I had to give up and crawl into bed at like 5:00, because I was too sad to keep functioning.

I know some people are so depressed they can’t get out of bed, shower, brush their teeth. I have never manifested it so badly for long, thank goodness, though there have been times I’ve been real close. Right now I’m not drowning, but I’m also not getting anywhere. I’m treading water. Using all my energy to stay afloat. By the time I’m done doing the bare minimum of things I have to–get up, wash self, brush hair, go to work, keep work functioning, drive without driving into a tree, tidy up after self–I have nothing left except blank stares and a growing fear that this is it.

I’m not doing much of anything right now, except work. I read books, I leave the TV on for company and so I don’t have to think of things to say, I sleep. I have time to do things, but when I think about doing things I want to weep with exhaustion and terror. Make a costume? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t even make a sandwich today.

So anyway, I don’t think this was actually a post about costuming. I also don’t think I’m making a Harlots costume for Dragon Con.

*a long time
**I’m already wearing one for Tauriel and another for April O’Neill, why do you hate me and my poor scalp?
***several weeks

DragonCon prep: a montage

21 Aug

When the hour’s approaching to give it your best, and you’ve got to reach your prime

hour approaching

That’s when you need to put yourself to the test

IMG_20130804_165602_364

and show us the passage of time

show us the passing of time

We’re gonna need a montage! Ooh, it takes a montage!

MONTAGE!

Show a lot of things happening at once

Remind everyone of what’s going on!
remind everyone of what's going on

With every shot show a little improvement

To show it all would take too long

to show it all would take too long

That’s called a montage!

MONTAGE!

Oooh, we want a montage!

MONTAGE!

In anything, if you want to go from just a beginner

IMG_20130707_151446_698

to a pro

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You need a montage! Even Rocky had a montage!

MONTAGE!

Always fade out in a montage…

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If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage…

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…montage….

Announcing the Fabulous Costume Movie Madness Tournament of Champions!

1 Mar

If you’re into sports, or hang out with someone who is, or if you’ve ever stepped into a bar in the US or turned on a TV in the spring, you may be aware of this little thing called March Madness. You know, the basketball tournament with the brackety thing?

You may insert your favorite teams as desired

Yes, that!

Being 6′ tall since the age of 12, I was strong-armed into playing basketball for two miserable, embarrassing seasons (I was very bad at it), and since nothing it sexier than clinging to childhood trauma, I still harbor deep resentment for the sport and all its trappings. That doesn’t mean I can’t use its trappings to my own end, though! And with that in mind…

“What Is This I Can’t Even” and stone biscuit productions are pleased to bring you

The Fabulous Costume Movie Madness Tournament of Champions

What is it? A tournament-style…uh, tournament, where I post a lot of pretty pictures and readers vote for their favorite fabulously-costumed movie to become Champion of Champions!

What movies will be involved? We’re still finalizing our competitors, but I can tell you that the field is broad and includes a number of classic costume dramas as well as some films you may not even have heard of.

When it starts

I’ll announce the field of competitors on Sunday, March 10. The first round of voting begins on Wednesday, March 13, and continues from there, leading up to the Championship Vote on Saturday, March 30.

Mark your calendars, put on your voting hats, and get ready to argue for your favorites!

I need a montage.

23 Feb

After a long, terrible week (last week) and a desperately needed vacation, I finally got back around to sewing. As of yesterday. What have I accomplished? Well, I made some lacing strips, and I cut out the pieces of my corset. Then I realized I would have to get boning from the hardware store before I could go any further (…farther?) in the corset-making process, and I have to have the corset done before I work on the bodice or the pants so I can make sure they fit, and rather than whipping up a second shirt, like I should be doing, I decided to order trim and blog while I watch Willow, which is one of my favorite movies and if you say anything negative about it I will eat your heart in the marketplace. Despite the lingering sense of looming deadlines, I’m having a pretty good time procrastinating.

But all this procrastination is making me think. I really am getting close to the wire. Opening weekend is less than six weeks away, and I’d rather not be sewing at two in the morning the night before, ya know? I mean, not again; that gets really old. But I really, really hate sewing, and I have so much to do. If only my life had a montage option, I would get so much more accomplished.

So in lieu of being able to speed up the unpleasant parts of my life, and in the spirit of being on a deadline, let’s stop sewing and watch some montages, bitches!

And naturally, a sewing montage:

Writing poetry is more fun than making corsets

12 Feb

Staring at pattern/for STUPID  FUCKING corset/Shit guys, my head hurts.

Someone tell me, please/because I don’t fucking know/how do I do this?

Help me help me help/I am going to fuck this up/again. Like last time.

There once was a lady from Spain*
Who found corset-making a pain.
Of it she soon tired,
so she set it a-fire,
and never tried sewing again.

*I am not really from Spain, but it’s easier to rhyme than “Georgia”

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