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Liveblogging Reign – Episodes 2 & 3 + Character Breakdown

6 Nov

Liveblogging the two most recent episodes of this show was full of hardship and despair. While the pilot remains free from various trustworthy sources including Hulu, one must needs pay cash money to access further episodes. I wrestled with my carefully crafted self-image for quite a long time before I finally signed up for a free seven day trial of Hulu Plus, which should get me through episodes two AND three, at which point I will have to seriously re-examine my priorities. EDIT BEFORE FINALLY POSTING: I failed to re-examine my priorities in time and instead am now paying for Hulu Plus. So….I am paying for this show. Somewhere in my life I made a wrong choice.

In addition to all this, mr. biscuit recently came home with the new Tomb Raider game. So while you read this post, remember that while I could have been following the adventures of Lara “Fuck You I’m Awesome” Croft, I was watching Reign.

2mdklyv

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Liveblogging Reign

18 Oct

I don’t know why, but I watched the premiere episode of Reign. You know, the show on the CW where the Dauphin of France is running around without pants on and Mary Queen of Scots is wearing sleeveless gowns and sparkly headbands? Yes, that Reign. I watched it. And then I liveblogged it.  For you.

I gave up on the costumes almost immediately, because it was really just dynamiting fish in a barrel and I only have so much outrage in my body. Let’s just talk about the plot, and the acting, and the…the everything. On a scale of One to Ten, I rate it a Hot Mess.

Let’s watch it!

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Reign, or why do my friends hate me?

9 Jul

Well, not all of them, but at least one friend hates me. J, who we’re discussed in the past, was over at my place for the 4th of July. A couple of hours into the revelry, she cued up a video on her phone, put it in my hand, and said “here, watch this.”  Like the drunken fool that I was at the time, I did her bidding, and before long I was flailing and cursing, shrieking my dislike of the costuming to the heavens. “Put on some pants!” I remember yelling. “WHERE ARE HIS PANTS?” It took a few minutes for J’s laughter to penetrate my haze of intoxication and indignation.

The video in question was the 4 minute long preview for Reign, a new show on the CW, presented here for your own teeth-gnashing/garment-rending pleasure.

big no

#shame

#shame

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That $4k Twilight ring you ALWAYS WANTED

5 Dec

Twilight-themed jewelry is a thing. I suppose we always know this would happen; the franchise is wildly popular and made a quarter of a zillion dollars or something similar. It was only a matter of time.

I just didn’t expect it to be sold at Bed Bath & Beyond…possibly because when I think of BB&B I think of fluffy towels and “As Seen On TV” gadgets, not “fine jewelry.”

Still! It has happened. The die is cast; the wench is pregnant. This gold (cheap gold, I might add) and moonstone ring can be yours for the low low price of a thousand bucks! That’s like a hundred times what the same ring would cost at Claire’s! That being said, if you absolutely MUST buy yourself a diamond and white gold replica of Bella’s monstrous engagement ring and/or some ugly, faux-Quileute jewelry, grab me a new shower curtain while you’re there.

On the strapless gown

24 Sep

I admittedly don’t understand the majority of red carpet choices, especially in the current era of Plunging Necklines Without Necklaces. My interest in clothing ends right about the time the Titanic sank.

That being said, would someone please explain to me why Christina Hendricks, who is a stunningly beautiful and talented actress, keeps showing up to red carpets wearing these dreadful strapless gowns that make her breasts look like basketballs?

Actually, you know what, why are strapless gowns a thing? They flatter approximately six of the three billion women in the world, and when those six women wear them they can’t raise their arms, scratch, sneeze, or do anything for fear their breasts will go flying out of their containers. The rest of us look either monumentally flat-chested, or as though our breasts are about to riot.

That’s four emmy’s dresses where the bodice looks like an afterthought tacked on at 5 in the morning by a terrified intern drunk on wine coolers. That green thing? is gorgeous! If I had a skirt like that I would wear it every day, and swan around the city introducing myself as Queen Frostine of the Merpeople, here to bless their meaningless lives with my Magical, Sparkly Presence. So I’m actually a little angry at that stupid, stupid seashell top thing. This could be a spectacular gown, if somebody had bothered to say “you know what’s fucking stupid? Strapless gowns.” It looks unfinished. It looks half-done. It looks fucking sloppy.

I think this is part of the larger trend of red carpet fashion for women to look done up, but not too done up. Like sure, I’m wearing a $17,000 gown encrusted with the crystallized tears of virgin water pixies, but I’m not wearing it on purpose. I just fell out of bed and into this custom-fitted gown. And these $6,400 shoes. And this $5,000 gold bangle that is my only piece of decoration because too much jewelry is vulgar or something, and of course the hundreds of dollars and countless hours of hair and makeup just so I can look as fresh-faced and “natural” as no one ever looks without hundreds of dollars of makeup.

It’s such a strange reversal. When fabric and jewelry were mostly hand-made and therefore expensive, the wealthy decked themselves in as much finery as they could carry and the rest of us dressed much more simply. Now jewelry and accessories are mass-produced, and we can finally start wearing a bunch of them without breaking the bank, but we shouldn’t. Because one accessory is enough, apparently. Anything else is vulgar.

Memo to self

14 Apr

I will need to seriously prewash the rest of this birsdeye cotton like six times, because it is shrinking like a motherfucker and all the seams are pulling out WTFWTFWTF.

A quick WTF: search engine referrals

3 Jan

Like every blogger since the dawn of time, I check my stats page compulsively. So to the people who came here searching for “catwoman flashing her panties” and/or “catwoman’s tongue slid up poison ivy’s”:

I’m not one to judge–wait. What am I talking about? I do it all the time. Consider yourself judged.

I hope your search was more fruitful somewhere else, because I don’t think this blog is what you’re looking for.

Kisses!

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